Now I want to walk

From: Remember your Self




And that is what I told Patricia via the intercom, crying my heart out. For the very first time I showed one of my children my grief. I remember telling her how sorry I felt that she was so ill and that she needed me and that I could not go to her. That it was sad for me too that I could not be with her. "Usually I do not mind that I cannot walk, but now I want to walk, how awful. I really feel I am failing you as a mother, sweetheart."

However ill she was then, she said: "But mum, you are so sweet, I understand, honestly."

I called Johan and the GP and my dear and faithful home helper, who looked after Patricia lovingly, brought her downstairs and installed her warm and comfortably on the settee. While I am writing this down now, I again feel the grief very strongly.

Still it was a precious experience. And new. To show my grief to my child. To get a peaceful feeling about it, instead of feeling guilty. I could come to terms with it, with the fact that I had not denied my own feelings. Why did I always tense up so much? Now that the children were older it certainly was not necessary any longer. Moreover, children can deal with much more than I always thought, as long as you explain.

By always putting on a brave face I was not setting a good example for my children either. I always encouraged them to cry, to show their sadness and to not keep it to themselves. Now I was actually doing it myself, it all became more meaningful. Before, it was like telling them not to smoke because it is bad for you with a cigarette in my mouth. Or something like that anyway.


Realisatie: Numaga-Design